Everything at Convenience?

Apparently, the one devoted reader of my blog (yes, singular. ikr. Love the commitment.) informed me that my last few posts sounded... sad.

Guys. No?

Okay, yes. I am sad. But I refuse to be sad in 23-point Times New Roman on the internet forever. So here's me making an active effort to return to being mildly bitchy and occasionally proud.

I truly believe the highest form of wisdom is empathy. Thank God for the anger that made me kinder. A lot of my character development came from the help I never received. Funny how absence teaches you exactly what presence should look like. Now I find myself wanting to be that person for others, the one who speaks life back into people when they've forgotten how to speak it to themselves.

Lately, I've been thinking about losing people.

Who decided that trying till your bones give up is the noble thing to do? At what point does loving someone become abandoning yourself? Or worse, abandoning someone else in the name of protecting yourself?

Out of all the ways to lose a person, death almost feels... merciful. At least it doesn't leave you wondering whether one more conversation would've changed everything.

What's harder? Letting go? Or being okay after you have?

I'm still not convinced those are two different things. Growth is weird. These days it's cry all night, answer emails all morning. Very corporate of me.

People will always have something to say. Some disguise discouragement as advice. Some mistake your boundaries for arrogance. Some only clap once you've crossed the finish line they begged you not to run towards. You can understand why someone behaves the way they do and still decide not to tolerate it. Empathy doesn't require self-sacrifice.

Okay, food for thought.

If chasing my dreams means believing passion is measured by how exhausted I am while the people I love slowly become strangers, then my dreams can honestly go to hell. I don't understand why we've romanticized hustle to the point where missing birthdays, ignoring calls, and treating relationships like pending notifications somehow counts as ambition.

The whole point of building a beautiful life is having beautiful people to share it with.

If success requires everyone around me to become collateral damage, then respectfully... I'd like a refund.

I don't just want to build beautiful things. I want to be around long enough to enjoy them with the people I love. I still love everyone I've ever loved. I think about them while doing the dishes. Not in a "please come back" way. In a "you were once a chapter of me" way. There's a difference.

I give too many fucks. An irresponsible number of fucks. I'm basically a prostitute of feelings. Unfortunately, the dildo of consequences never comes with lube. So now we maintain distance and emotionally masturbate. Damn, why have written those?

Anyway - I'm leaving that sentence in because deleting it would be cowardly. I'm just glad I won't be remembered as someone who kept their mouth shut. I'm God's most unstable soldier with the funniest battles. I've reached an age where I'm perfectly comfortable saying,

"Yeah, I did that because I was insane, Next question, please."

I'm rarely angry. Mostly just... mildly inconvenienced. Apparently, that's become part of my personality. I also finally understand why old people like sitting alone on porches. Sometimes silence isn't loneliness. It's luxury.

One last thing.

You can't use someone else's map to find yourself and not having a backbone is actually insane because what do you mean you'll betray yourself in real time just to keep other people comfortable?

Peace is such an inconvenient thing for people who enjoy wars. Your life is watching.

It remembers every single time you abandoned yourself. Maybe that's why self-respect feels so much lighter than approval.

Okay okay, last, convenience is the worst place to measure anything. Love isn't convenient. Growth isn't convenient. Loyalty isn't convenient. So maybe anything that's only available at convenience was never the real thing to begin with.

Anyway. See you when I have another personality update.

XOXO,

Aarya